Friday, December 09, 2005
Just Trying to be Helpful
Well, it looks like the CodePink skanks have started a campaign to ban war toys this Christmas. Well, I'm not a particular fan of the idea. I think little boys have an aggressive streak that we try to suppress to our own detriment. But, hey, in the spirit of the season, I'd like to offer a few ideas to America's toymakers that will meet the Pinkos demands while still offering little Johnny hours of good clean American fun:
* The Halliburton Playset Now little Johnny can enter the exciting world of oilfield services. Comes with a six foot derrick with autopump action and a talking cellphone with catchphrases like "We'll have to grease a few wheels to get the environmental clearances on that one..." and "Funnel the payments through the offshore account...".
* The Fox News Game Special artificial intelligence allows the game's electronic "brain" to evaluate how well little Johnny and his friends have put together sensationalized news clips discrediting liberal groups (like CodePink) from random elements provided by the computer. The "brain" awards points in terms of additional viewership. The first player to have higher ratings than CNN and make MSNBC a laughingstock wins.
* The Karl Rove Action Figure (With Special Mind Control Beams) Why get little Johnny a GI Joe to go after the bad guys when you can get him a Karl Rove to get all of his friends' GI Joes to go after the bad guys (and whoever else little Johnny deems a nussiace). As a bonus, whenever near the Karl Rove action figure little Janey's Barbies become Ann Coulter neocon babes.
* PNAC Trading Cards Lets face it, kids today aren't all that into baseball. And do you really want to be caught getting Johnny Pokeman cards? Well, now you don't have to worry. With cool dudes like Bill Kristol and Paul Wolfowitz, you'll be starting little Johnny on his own road to becoming a neocon intellectual.
I understand CodePink's aversion to violent toys, even if I have some misgivings. But lets face it, the age of direct physical confrontation is long gone. We've come to a time where its necessary to have smart people who can direct resources to accomplishing their goals. I think, perhaps, a new generation of toys that will teach the next generation how to marshall these resources might both overcome the ladies' objections, and move childsplay to its next stage of development.
Well, it looks like the CodePink skanks have started a campaign to ban war toys this Christmas. Well, I'm not a particular fan of the idea. I think little boys have an aggressive streak that we try to suppress to our own detriment. But, hey, in the spirit of the season, I'd like to offer a few ideas to America's toymakers that will meet the Pinkos demands while still offering little Johnny hours of good clean American fun:
* The Halliburton Playset Now little Johnny can enter the exciting world of oilfield services. Comes with a six foot derrick with autopump action and a talking cellphone with catchphrases like "We'll have to grease a few wheels to get the environmental clearances on that one..." and "Funnel the payments through the offshore account...".
* The Fox News Game Special artificial intelligence allows the game's electronic "brain" to evaluate how well little Johnny and his friends have put together sensationalized news clips discrediting liberal groups (like CodePink) from random elements provided by the computer. The "brain" awards points in terms of additional viewership. The first player to have higher ratings than CNN and make MSNBC a laughingstock wins.
* The Karl Rove Action Figure (With Special Mind Control Beams) Why get little Johnny a GI Joe to go after the bad guys when you can get him a Karl Rove to get all of his friends' GI Joes to go after the bad guys (and whoever else little Johnny deems a nussiace). As a bonus, whenever near the Karl Rove action figure little Janey's Barbies become Ann Coulter neocon babes.
* PNAC Trading Cards Lets face it, kids today aren't all that into baseball. And do you really want to be caught getting Johnny Pokeman cards? Well, now you don't have to worry. With cool dudes like Bill Kristol and Paul Wolfowitz, you'll be starting little Johnny on his own road to becoming a neocon intellectual.
I understand CodePink's aversion to violent toys, even if I have some misgivings. But lets face it, the age of direct physical confrontation is long gone. We've come to a time where its necessary to have smart people who can direct resources to accomplishing their goals. I think, perhaps, a new generation of toys that will teach the next generation how to marshall these resources might both overcome the ladies' objections, and move childsplay to its next stage of development.
